Urge to Fly

It's more than a month since I posted anything here. The only excuse I have for that is that I've been too busy at work. But that's just what it is - an excuse. There were lot of things I could've written about in the last month: the films I watched and loved - Casino Royale and The Departed; the book I've been reading - William Dalrymple's delightful The Last Mughal; the new music releases - Guru and Salaam-e-ishq; the house that I've bought; the severe bout of uveitis that is affecting me yet again; or even my recent trip to Bangalore.... but the fact remains that I haven't written anything.

I was 100% sure that I would write a review of Dhoom-2 once I watched it, but thanks to the stand-off between YRF and the multiplexes in Delhi I still haven't watched it. And here the excuse of being busy comes in handy. Since the only places where Dhoom-2 is running are very far from my house, lack of time is a convenient excuse. The other film I'm keen on watching is Kabul Express, and being a Yash Raj film it also isn't releasing in multiplexes near my house. Damn!

My genes are playing up on me yet again. Last week uveitis came visiting my eye again (was it the sixth time?). But this time instead of the regular right eye, it chose to try out my left eye - my perfectly normal eye. Result - my left eye is all blurred, the right is weak anyway... so without my specs i can't even see properly. Add to that the long hours I need to spend in front of my laptop at work, and you have the perfect recipe of perpetual headaches!!!

Ah, the predicament of a film buff who can't watch a film!!

Who do I blame? Two parties haggling over a few extra bucks? Or the twisted, helical ribbons that form the basis of my very existence?

It's been 10 days since I saw Woh Lamhe, but the film continues to haunt me still. More than the film, it's Kanagana Ranaut's schizophrenic character the refuses to leave me. While this is surely a tribute to her acting talent, the real reason is that her honest and real portrayal of the character brought alive long forgotten memories. I've met a few people who felt that her character in the film was weird and quite unbelievable, but having come in close contact with a person affected by schizophrenia I know very well how 'weird' a schizophrenic can appear to others.

When I was in college, there was a guy in my immediate circle of friends who was schizophrenic. We all used to have great fun at his expense and lost no opportunity to pull his legs and tease him. On his part, he was quite sporting and never took offence. He seemed perfectly normal, but somewhere in the second year we could feel that his behaviour and reactions were gradually inching beyond the limits of normality. Soon he started behaving 'weirdly' with his insinuations that we - all his closest friends - were conspiring against him. We thought it was just his over-reaction to our leg-pulling and didn't give much heed. But after a while, we observed that he started pulling himself away from our group. He started believing that his room in the hostel was haunted and he was shit scared to sleep there at night, so much so that he would beg people to let him sleep in their rooms at night. There was more to come. He started telling everyone that someone was throwing a dead cat in his room at night. One morning we found him shouting at the sweeper because he had started believing that it was the sweeper who took the dead cat away from his room every morning, so that people think he's going mad. Now we knew for sure that things were indeed serious, so we took him back to his parents. I must add that all this while, he was perfectly normal most of the time except when his hallucinations suddenly took centrestage. Finally, he had to drop out from the college and we never heard of him again.

It's been 18 years since that time. I had completely forgotten about this, till I saw Woh Lamhe and was immediately transported back in time.

Schizophrenia is a complex psychiatric condition that hasn't been completely understood. While it is largely known to be genetic, there is no way one can predict the exact cause that triggers that condition - it could be a curious mix of genetic, environment and neurobilogical causes. What's worse, it cannot be cured. I has to be managed.

The word Schizophrenia is derived from Greek, literally meaning 'Split Mind', or better still - 'Shattered Mind". Not only does it 'split' the sufferer's mind in that the affected person starts living in alternate reality where he/she has hallucinations and delusions and is convinced about things/events that do not exist, it also completely 'shatters' the lives of the victim and those close to him/her.

Just imagine what it would feel like to see things that everyone around you says do no exist! Instead of empathy, the obvious reaction of people - as I must confess it was mine too - is to laugh it off and calling the person 'mad'. Actually, patients of schizophrenia have to be treated with a great deal of empathy and compassion. One has to maintain a balance between caring and being overly sympathetic, which can have an adverse impact as well. In that respect I think Shiney Ahuja did a brilliant job in the movie in achieving that fine balance.

When people ask me if I'm superstitious I would never admit it. But the truth is, I am. Rather, I have become superstitious over the past few years. There have been certain events that have made me so. To a rational person's mind they might just be coincidences (even I used to think that way), but somehow I can't rationalize them in my mind as mere coincidences.

First, I'm extremely wary of people with a particular sun-sign (I wouldn't specify which one, lest others get wary of me). I've had issues and problems (some extremely major) with the majority of people with this sun-sign. Let’s put it the other way – almost every person I've had problems with belonged to this sun-sign. I would not put the blame entirely on them, but somehow I'm just not compatible with this sun-sign. How do I rationalize that? Isn't that one helluva coincidence!

Then, there's this iron ring that I wear on my middle finger of my right hand at all times. It was given to me by my father-in-law with the intention of countering the ill-effects of Saturn. I wore it because I didn't want to hurt his feelings, and I didn't lose anything by wearing it. Then I lost the ring (Gollum?). The months that followed were quite bad for me personally. Nothing during that period seemed to be going right. And when I found the ring (by a weird coincidence), everything seemed to get back on track by itself. Now, after 4 years, I still wear that ring all the time.

Now listen to my latest superstition, which sounds even weirder. Someone told me that it was inauspicious to give fragrances as gifts, as it can lead to irreconcilable differences. It sounded really strange at that time. But after what I've experienced lately, you will never ever find me gifting fragrances to friends.

Maybe these are mere coincidences. Maybe I'm being foolish. Doesn't matter. I'm happy being superstitious if it gives me mental peace.

क ख ग घ ङ
च छ ज झ ञ
ट ठ ड ढ ण
त थ द ध न
प फ ब भ म
...

Ever wondered why the Hindi alphabet follows a particular sequence?

Hindi is my mother tongue. Yet, I never even thought about why the Hindi alphabet followed a particular sequence. The only thing I possibly gave a thought to was that every un-aspirated letter is followed by the aspirated version. But I never realized that there was a pattern behind the sequence. To me the sequence was given, there was no need to find a reason, which in my mind did not even exist.

Till I read Jhumpa Lahiri's 'The Namesake'. In her delightful first novel, she describes the Bengali alphabet, which is similar to the Hindi alphabet, in one of the passages:

"…which begins at the back of (his) throat with an unaspirated K and marches steadily across the roof of (his) mouth…."

…and then moves on to the teeth and then to the lips.

Now try to recall the alphabet again. Isn't the reason behind the sequence fairly obvious now?

Fascinating, isn't it?

I am surprised that having studied Hindi in school and spent most of my adult life reading Hindi literature and even trying my hand at writing in the language, I didn't even know something as basic is this.

How ignorant have I been!

For more information about the Hindi (phonetic) alphabet, read this Wikipedia article on Indian languages.

I've recently finished reading Vikram Seth’s Two Lives. It's a fascinating book. Part memoir, but largely biography, this book is about the tumultuous lives of the author's granduncle and grandaunt. What I like most about the book, apart from the uncomplicated and direct narrative style (which is expected out of Vikram Seth anyway), is the fact that we learn about the two remarkable individuals largely through the letters they exchange with each other and their other friends. While the author was lucky to 'interview' his granduncle and get his side of the story first hand, he had nothing to refer when it came to writing about his grandaunt (not even his granduncle had complete visibility to his wife's pre-marital life). As the author himself observes, this book would never have got written, but for the chance discovery of a set of letters that were very carefully preserved by his grandaunt. And the depth of information we get from that is infinitely more and much richer than what even a first-hand interview could give.

Last week I received an email from a friend. It was quite a general email, but there was one line that is largely responsible for this post. It simply said, 'Hey why don’t you mail me once in a while?'

Vikram Seth's book and my friend's email set me thinking. When was the last time I wrote a letter? If my memory serves me right, that was almost 6 years back. Or an email? Well, I do write emails, albeit very rarely, except when there’s something really important to talk about. In the world of instant messengers and text messages, who has the time to sit back, reflect and write a letter? This is what I call being slaves to technology. It seems that the only ways to connect with people we care about are IMs and SMSes. I must admit that I find them very convenient to stay in touch, but they are really not as 'personal' as a letter, or even an email. There is no place for emotions in these technologies. Technology is supposed to bring us closer, not pull us apart at an emotional level. Email too is technology, but when you sit down to type an email, it's just like writing a letter. You reflect, you collect your thoughts; and, if you've taken the effort to keep all diversions at bay, you can type (or write) exactly what you want to say. That's what I just cannot achieve through an IM. I tend to be very reactive on IMs, primarily due to the conversational nature of the communication and I'm not really a 'conversations' person. Also, I need time to reflect on my thoughts and IM just doesn't give me that luxury. Some of my friends would know that many a time I follow-up an IM conversation with an email, especially when we have talked about something important. Having said this, I admit that I'm just as guilty of depending too much on instant conversations as anybody else.

Take this friend for example. We had been in regular touch earlier, but somehow our interactions 'virtually' ended. Not that we had a fight or something - not at all. Just that our interactions happened only through IMs, and when due to certain compulsions we couldn’t use IMs we completely lost touch. Now, is that an excuse to lose touch with friends?

I hardly use IM these days for reasons I don't want to get into and which, in any case, are not relevant to this post; and that should, in a way, help me stick to what I have decided now. I have decided that from now on I will be more regular in writing to people I care about.

Thank you Mr. Seth, and thank you my dear friend, for making me realize that!