Urge to Fly

वो उम्र कम कर रहा था मेरी
मैं साल अपने बढ़ा रहा था

गुलज़ार साहब का यह एक शे’र मुझे बहुत पसन्द है। एक सीधी सी बात बहुत ही आसान लफ़्ज़ों में बयान की गयी है; लेकिन ये फ़लसफ़ा हक़ीक़त के कितना क़रीब है? आज जब मेरा जन्मदिन है, ये शे’र मेरे ज़ेहन में बारहा गूँज रहा है।

एक वक़्त था जब मैं इस दिन अपनी गुज़श्ता ज़िन्दगी के सफ़र पर निकल पड़ता था। ये एक ज़रिया था अपनी ज़िन्दगी की आशा और निराशा, नशेब-ओ-फ़राज़, उपलब्धियों और असफलताओं के आंकलन का। एक मुसाहिब की तरह जो नामा-ए-ज़िन्दगी में सूद-ओ-ज़ियाँ का हिसाब रखता है। लेकिन अब मैं इस वार्षिक कार्यकलाप में अपना समय व्यर्थ नहीं करता हूँ। भला क्यों?

मेरा ये मानना है कि जहां एक तरफ़ अपनी गुज़री हुई ज़िन्दगी का जायज़ा लेने में अपनी ग़लतियों से सीख लेने का लाभ अवश्य है, वहीं दूसरी ओर एक ख़तरा भी है – अपने माज़ी में जीने का। साल दर साल मैंने पाया कि इस क्रिया से मुझे लाभ कम और हानि अधिक हुई है। जब-जब मैं इस पुनरावलोकन की क्रिया में उतरता, मेरा मन बस अतीत की निराशा और दुख में जा अटकता। और फिर उससे अपना दामन खेंच पाना मेरे इख़्तियार से बाहर हो जाता। नतीजा ये कि अपने माज़ी से सीख ले कर अपने मुस्तक़बिल को संवारने कि बजाए मेरा वर्तमान भी अतीत की सियाह रोशनी से घिर जाता। सालगिरह एक ख़ुशी का अवसर होता है, इस दिन ग़मों के आग़ोश में रहना निहायत बेवक़ूफ़ी ही है। इस आत्मघाती चक्र से निकलना मेरे लिये अनिवार्य हो चला था। सो मैने आत्ममन्थन की राह तज दी।

अब आप पूछेंगे कि भला इस बात से गुलज़ार साहब के शे’र का क्या सम्बन्ध? सतही तौर पर तो कुछ भी नहीं। लेकिन ज़रा ग़ौर से देखें तो गुलज़ार साहब माज़ी के बजाय हाल-ओ-मुस्तक़बिल की फ़िक्र बयान कर रहें हैं। हाँ, अपने भविष्य की इस सोच को नकारात्मक अथवा सकारात्मक दोनों तरह से देखा जा सकता है। एक निराशावादी व्यक्ति इस शे’र को ग़मगीन क़रार दे सकता है। इस नज़रिये से पहले मिसरे को शे’र का मरकज़ मान कर अपनी आइन्दा उम्र के घटने का विलाप किया जा सकता है। लेकिन मेरा दृष्टिकोण थोड़ा पृथक है। मैं इसे एक आशावादी शे’र मानता हूँ। मेरी समझ से इस शे'र का सार दूसरे मिसरे में छिपा है। 'साल बढ़ाना' मेरी नज़र में समझदार होने का द्योतक है। अपनी समझ, अपने अनुभव से अपने भविष्य को रचनात्मक मोड़ देने का प्रयास है।

काश मैं अपने माज़ी के ग़मों में उलझने के बजाए अपने अनुभवों से सीख लेने की क्षमता रखता।

When people ask me if I'm superstitious I would never admit it. But the truth is, I am. Rather, I have become superstitious over the past few years. There have been certain events that have made me so. To a rational person's mind they might just be coincidences (even I used to think that way), but somehow I can't rationalize them in my mind as mere coincidences.

First, I'm extremely wary of people with a particular sun-sign (I wouldn't specify which one, lest others get wary of me). I've had issues and problems (some extremely major) with the majority of people with this sun-sign. Let’s put it the other way – almost every person I've had problems with belonged to this sun-sign. I would not put the blame entirely on them, but somehow I'm just not compatible with this sun-sign. How do I rationalize that? Isn't that one helluva coincidence!

Then, there's this iron ring that I wear on my middle finger of my right hand at all times. It was given to me by my father-in-law with the intention of countering the ill-effects of Saturn. I wore it because I didn't want to hurt his feelings, and I didn't lose anything by wearing it. Then I lost the ring (Gollum?). The months that followed were quite bad for me personally. Nothing during that period seemed to be going right. And when I found the ring (by a weird coincidence), everything seemed to get back on track by itself. Now, after 4 years, I still wear that ring all the time.

Now listen to my latest superstition, which sounds even weirder. Someone told me that it was inauspicious to give fragrances as gifts, as it can lead to irreconcilable differences. It sounded really strange at that time. But after what I've experienced lately, you will never ever find me gifting fragrances to friends.

Maybe these are mere coincidences. Maybe I'm being foolish. Doesn't matter. I'm happy being superstitious if it gives me mental peace.

"… When our students fail, we, as teachers, too, have failed." ~ Marva Collins

If there in even a modicum of truth in this statement, I have failed miserably as a teacher.

First up, I'm not a professional teacher. I'm not even someone who takes up teaching as a pastime because of one's passion. I became a teacher by default.

It was a few days after Christmas last year (or was it New Year?) that I received a call in the office from someone from a business school in Delhi. They had, I was told, started a new course as part of their MBA curriculum. Since the field is very new (more so in India), they were having a problem finding the right faculty to teach the course – there aren't many academicians who have worked in that area, and very few companies who had adopted the practice in India. How did I qualify? Simply because the company I work for is known to be one of the pioneers in that area.

At first I wasn't sure if I wanted to teach. I had never taught before, was quite uncomfortable standing before a large crowd, and, more importantly, I was not at all an expert in the subject I was supposed to teach. I had some practical experience at best, which in fact was extremely limited considering the fact that I didn't really know what was happening outside my company. Add to that the extremely short period of time I was given to decide – 4 days to decide and 6 days to deliver my first lecture.

Anyhow, in pursuit of an interesting experience, I agreed. That's how I became a teacher. By default.

Teaching is a tough job. I had clearly underestimated the amount of preparation required to deliver one lecture of 90 minutes. On the eve of my first set of lectures, I spent my entire Friday evening (well past midnight) just preparing for my inaugural lecture (this set the tone for all my Friday evenings for the next 3 months). The first lecture was tough, but I slowly started enjoying the entire experience of teaching and by the time the term ended, I didn't want it to end.

However, one thing that kept bothering me all along was my perception that the quality of students was not what I would expect in a business school. Most of my students had no interest in studying, they would attend classes only because they had to, they would not waste time on anything that required them to do some work (the assignments they submitted were horrendous), and so on. Very soon I gave up on them. There were a few 'good' students in each section and I spent most of my effort teaching them, because they were the only ones who seemed to be enjoying the subject.

Now this is where I failed. If I were a good teacher, I would have generated an interest for the subject among a majority of the class. It is so easy to put the blame on the students. If they didn't take my classes, or the subject I taught, seriously it was my failure more than theirs. The final exam evaluation was the last straw. I have just finished evaluating all the exam papers (179 in all!!!) and more than 30% of the students – which is equal to one entire section – have failed.

I would have considered myself a reasonably good teacher if this figure was, say, 15%. But 30%!!! One-third of the class!!!

Nah, I didn't do a good job.

मैं कौन हूँ, क्या हूँ, कैसा हूँ इतना तो आत्मज्ञान है,
किन्तु चलो स्वयं को आज औरों के दृष्टिकोण से
बस एक झलक देखा जाये ।

मैं भावुक नहीं -
क्षमता नहीं परभावना का आदर करने की मुझ में
और न है सामर्थ्य ही निजी मूक भावनाओं की
अर्थपूर्ण अभिव्यक्ति का ।
पाषाण हृदय मनुष्य हूँ मैं …

मुझ में है साहस नहीं –
जितनी जटिल समस्याएँ जीवन में आती जाती हैं
स्वयं समाधान उनका मैं निकाल तो पाता नहीं
यथार्थ नकार देता हूँ।
संकेत है यह कायरता का …

मेरा कुछ उद्देश्य नहीं -
न लालसा यशोधन की न अर्थसिद्धि का है संकल्प;
राग अस्तित्व का समस्वर और सुस्त गति है जीवन की
किन्तु पूर्णतः संतुष्ट हूँ।
कितना लक्ष्य रहित है जीवन …

मुझ में सच्चाई नहीं –
बाह्य रूप मेरा अलग है, आन्तरिक कुछ भिन्न है
रहस्य दुर्बलता का अपनी सबसे छुपाने के लिये
एक मुखौटा पहना है।
कहते हैं पाखण्ड इसी को …

निष्ठुर, कायर, निरुद्देश्य, दुमुखी और पाखण्डी
और एक दोष है – रहता हूँ अपने मत पर मैं अडिग
और मेरा यह मत है कि औरों के दृष्टिकोण से
कदापि मैं सहमत नहीं।